A “How-To” for the person that stole my bicycle wheel
Date: 2011-04-15, 11:50AM EDT
Reply to: see below
Dear Douchbag McGee-
You know who you are. Yes, you. The person that stole my bicycle wheel. I am going to do you the courtesy of providing a few instructions for you as you consider stealing your next bicycle wheel by pointing out the many ways in which you botched your last attempt. I know you think you were successful in stealing my wheel, probably because you got away with it for a week or two, but your arrogance about your success led to your eventual demise. If you still don’t know whether this instructional manual is meant for you, let me describe the scenario for you:
Please pay attention to my description here, as it provides details that show just how dumb you are… You live in a large apartment complex with a guard controlling entry and exit. There is also a large, open, well-lit parking garage with several bike racks. Your bike is a black single-speed bike with flat bars, no shifters, no derailleurs (the thing that changes your gears in case you don’t understand that word), crappy brakes from the early 90′s, and it is locked to the front rack on the very end (the closest spot available). My bike is a road bike from the 90′s with 10 speeds, front and rear derailleurs, down-tube shifters, crappy brakes from the 90′s, a bike rack and fenders (because yes, I ride it to work in the rain and I carry things on the rack…I have invested a lot of work into making it a proper commuting bike). It has sweet 90′s era gold-colored rims that are very clean because the original owner of this bike didn’t ride it much. It also has new-ish tires on it, and the same model tire is on both wheels. I know this because I replaced them myself. I also installed all the extra bits myself. You apparently broke a spoke on your rear wheel (in case you forgot already, you have a single-speed, which means there is only one gear on your rear wheel), and instead of going to the bike shop to have it fixed or to buy a new wheel, you decided it would be easier to steal a wheel from one of the other bikes in the bike rack. It seems you found the gold-colored rims I have to be quite attractive, or you found my bike the most easily accessible. Either way, you got your wrench out and unbolted the wheel from your bike. Then, you walked over to my bike, unscrewed the quick-release and took my wheel, which I will remind you has a cassette on it (it has gears). This next part still astounds me, and if we ever meet maybe you can explain your thought process to me. You proceeded to REPLACE my wheel with your busted-ass wheel with one gear on it, and bolted it on. That was very kind of you to secure my new wheel, as if it actually belonged on my bike. You even took the time to loop my now excessively-long chain around the singular gear, as if I would be able to ride with it in such condition. You then took my gold-colored geared wheel back to your bike and found the gear that fit with your chain’s length, and attached my gold-colored geared wheel to your single-speed bike with no derailleurs or shifters.
Does it ring a bell now? I hope so.
Here’s where the “how-to” begins:
There are a few things you should consider before you steal something. First off, you really want to stay as low-profile as possible, to avoid getting caught. Getting caught would sort of defeat the purpose of stealing now wouldn’t it? You’ll want a semi-secluded area with relatively low traffic to avoid someone seeing you. Now, the parking garage bike racks would seem a prime target at first. There are a few mistakes in this thought process, however. Being a secure complex with controlled entry, theft is pretty limited around here. That means, any theft that does occur is likely done by one of the residents or their visitors. It’s fairly difficult to access this parking garage without being stopped by security, who will then call the person you are visiting and make you leave if they don’t answer their phone to let you in. I know this because they routinely stop me on my bike to ensure I am a resident. So, when you stole my wheel, I was able to deduce that you likely reside somewhere in this complex.
The second consideration you should make is the item you plan to steal. If you are going to steal something and use it out in the open, it should not be something too flashy. For instance, if I were going to steal a car and then drive it around the neighborhood I stole it from, I wouldn’t steal the brand-new Porsche from a neighborhood mainly populated by Ford Tauruses…Torui…whatever. The owner is likely to recognize the Porsche. This applies to bike wheels as well. Ideally, you should steal something similar to what might be found on your bike. For instance, if you have a single-speed bike without derailleurs, you might want to steal a single-speed wheel. If your bike has black and silver wheels, you would ideally find another black and silver wheel. What you should not look to steal is something like a gold-colored wheel with gears. It just stands out too well.
Thirdly, if you’ve thoroughly convinced yourself the above two considerations are insignificant, you might want to consider simply keeping your newly-acquired treasure out of public view for a while. Interestingly, you seemed to have partly arrived at this conclusion on your own. Indeed, by replacing my gold-colored geared wheel with your single-speed black and grey wheel, you made sure that I might not notice my bike lying on the ground without a wheel. Kudos for having that thought, it appears you have at least very rudimentary cognitive abilities. What you might want to consider next time, however, is not parking your single-speed bike without shifters or derailleurs and a gold-colored rear wheel with gears in the most visible position on the bike racks.
Fourth, you will want to consider who it might be that you are stealing from. Would you walk into a gun shop owned by a professional marksman and blatantly steal one of the guns? I certainly would not. Chances are the dude is a pretty good shot and will get his gun back fairly quickly. The same goes for bikes and bike wheels. If the bike you are considering stealing a wheel from is clean, in good working condition, has a well-lubed and clean chain, has multiple accessories used for commuting purposes (the rack, fenders, a bell…), and has a lock that is not rusted or heavily abused, chances are you’re dealing with someone who knows a thing or two about bicycles. Just like the marksman who can make your day go from bad to worse fairly easily, someone who is fairly skilled in bike mechanics has the ability to make your day go equally as badly should they discover your crime. You might also want to consider just how creative the person you’re stealing from is…keep this in mind while I go on.
So, as you can see, there are many things to consider when you want to steal something. Allow me to recap your errors before I tell you how I know you stole my wheel and what I have done (and will be doing in the future) as retribution for your crime: You stole a gold-colored geared bicycle wheel from a bike parked two racks away, which you intended to use on your single-speed bike with no gears and no shifters, and replaced said wheel with a shitty black and silver wheel with a busted spoke. You stole this wheel from a bike mechanic with a creative streak, and you proceeded to use said wheel on your bicycle which you parked in the most visible spot on the racks at the apartment complex you live in. Does that just about cover it? Good.
How exactly did I find my wheel, you may be asking? Well, when I came out to use my bike only to find my chain drooping sadly from the crank, I noticed that the rim was no longer gold, that there was a broken spoke, and that there was only one gear. I then thought through how secure our apartment complex is, and puzzled over the fact that you secured your wheel onto my bike, which required both a wrench and a very bizarre thought process to have done. I concluded that such effort would only have been done by someone living in, or visiting (though a visitor would not be so careful as to actually replace the wheel, they would have just stolen it and left the bike on the ground), the apartment complex. I then thought that someone this stupid would likely be equally dumb enough to park their bike in the area they stole the wheel from. So, taking a stroll around to the front of the bike rack, I checked the most obvious place…the most accessible spot. Lo and behold, there sat a bike with no shifters or derailleurs (thus, a single-speed by necessity), a black and silver front wheel, and a gold-colored rear wheel with gears. Just to be sure it was my wheel, I made sure the tire was the very same that I had on my front wheel, which is matching in gold color. It was indeed the very same.
This is where it gets fun. You see, as I have said before, I am a very creative person. I also don’t like it when people steal. It makes me mad. And, when I get mad, I get creative. I wouldn’t call it revenge, but I enjoy teaching people lessons in how to be civil and how to get along in our (less-than-civil) society. As such, I began by reclaiming what was rightfully mine, and placed my wheel back on my bike. I restored the well-lubed chain to it’s proper position, and gave it a quick spin, making a slight adjustment to the derailleur in the process. By the way, thank you for that, I had been meaning to do that for a few weeks now. I returned to your bike with your black and silver wheel with only one gear and a broken spoke in-hand. Not trying to be too mean (remember, this is a civil society, as difficult as that is to believe here in Philadelphia), I began by letting the air out of the rear wheel. I did not puncture your tube, I simply let the air out. Then, I removed part of your tire from the rim. This was more difficult than it should have been because you have a really shitty tire. I appreciate the difficulty though, because it will be quite difficult for you to re-mount your tire, and I doubt you have the technical prowess to do so. I also removed the axel bolts from the rear wheel, so you’re going to have a hard time keeping that wheel on your bike. I will return them to you in good time, IF you manage an apology for the crime you committed. Or, you can continue your ways and steal another set. I also removed your front wheel from your bike, but as it is locked to your frame I could not get it that far off. It’s sitting at a weird angle, you should have a relatively easy time getting it back into position. Next up was your handlebars. You see, your wheels attach using a bolt that any old crescent wrench will fit on. Your handle bars, however, require a allen wrench to work on. You may or may not have one of these…I’m guessing you don’t. I loosened your stem and turned it sideways, so your handlebars are now parallel with your front wheel, and re-secured them. I wouldn’t want your bars to fall off while you are riding your bike (again, it’s a civil society, I don’t want to cause you physical harm). Your saddle has also been adjusted to an extraordinarily uncomfortable downward-facing position, it will be like having a backrest if you sit on your top-tube while riding. While there are many other things I pondered doing to your bicycle (all keeping it in fine working condition should you happen to take it to a bike shop to have re-adjusted), I decided to hold off. Instead, I simply left you a note thanking you for stealing my wheel and suggesting you purchase one at a store or have yours repaired instead of stealing. I hope these simple acts will be enough to teach you a lesson not to steal, but somehow I’m guessing it will not. As such, I will continue to provide you with instruction until either you get a new bike and I no longer recognize it, or until you give up and stop fixing yours. I sincerely hope you continue to have it repaired though, because this is kind of fun for me.
As a preview of things to come, since I highly doubt you’ll be reading this, you will be interested to know that I am the owner of several spare bike locks. You may be thinking (if you’re actually reading this) those will be easily cut and only a small annoyance. In that case, I hope you have access to a cutting torch because one of my spare locks is a chain with links that are 14mm thick, six-sided and made of hardened steel. I won’t start with that one, but it is an option. Also, at some point in the future, once I see your bike is being ridden again, I will switch your front and rear brakes so that when you go to brake with your rear brake, it will actually be your front. This will cause a fair bit of confusion at first, but you will get used to it. I know because I used to ride with mine this way. Just when you have grown accustomed to having your brakes reversed, I will switch them back. I am also considering removing your chain from your bike, and reassembling it on the other side of your wheel where there are not any gears. You should be able to coast fairly well with it there, but going up hills will be quite difficult. Actually, doing anything but coasting down hills will be quite difficult.
I hope that this instructional manual has proved useful for you. I know it pretty much states the obvious, but apparently that is the type of instruction you require. Also, I hope you appreciate that I have done this all out of the goodness of my heart. Writing this much is not easy, and it takes a significant amount of time, which I am providing to you free of charge. I will also offer to sell you a rear wheel which will fit your bike nicely, and I will even replace the tire with the one from your broken wheel. Normally, I would offer it for $30, $40 if you want the tire changed, but seeing as how you resorted to stealing from me, I’ll offer it for $100 with the tire change. Also, if I happen to see another of my wheels on your bike (yes, I have several bikes on that rack, and just for shits and giggles I’m leaving one of the rear wheels unlocked), you will not be pleased with the repercussions. I suggest you choose wisely.
* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2326707599
